What time is it and what are you thinking about? ☁️ — " my psychiatrist says i’m doing better, and to most people, i am.

12 days ago
What time is it and what are you thinking about? ☁️

What time is it and what are you thinking about? ☁️ — " my psychiatrist says i’m doing better, and to most people, i am. i don’t drive past your house anymore. i don’t make razor blade artwork out of my body. i don’t threaten to crash my car or even have the desire to do so. i don’t have meltdowns in the middle of class or binge drink or do drugs or any of the other unhealthy things i used to do to kill my pain. for once, my life is… stable. and i know that should be a good thing. everyone tells me it is. but i miss the excitement, you know? i miss having someone worth fighting through the hard stuff for. i miss the highs i would experience after the lows. and i know it sounds crazy but i kind of miss being crazy. i miss the outbursts, the attention, the reassurance that even though i’m a lot to deal with, i am still loved. now i barely speak and everything is mundane and healing feels a lot like being numb and everything is boring. i know, i shouldn’t think like this. healing is healing and i’m better for it. but sometimes i really do miss it - the fun i used to have when i was manic. and i guess this is what addiction feels like, when everything is falling apart but you still love it. i guess i have to remember what brought me here in the first place. breathe in, breathe out, it’s all worth it. " — healing doesn’t always feel like healing (via achingchest)

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